Giving and receiving feedback is an exercise in all four concepts of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. Those giving the feedback need to recognize that there is a difference between constructive and destructive criticism, and those receiving the feedback need to have self-awareness and self-management to see it as an opportunity for growth. Both sides need to be prepared for how the feedback is delivered and received.
In a TED Talk The Secret to Giving Great Feedback, it was stated that those giving feedback are typically either too direct, which causes those receiving the feedback to become defensive, or they are too indirect so the other does not even realize feedback is being given.
Four steps can be used to guide you through giving clear, direct, and kind feedback (positive or negative):
- Ask for permission. By "asking for permission" you are making someone aware and preparing them that feedback is coming. You should never try to ambush someone with feedback as this is destructive and will automatically push someone into their defensive mode. Example: "I'd like to talk to you about your attendance, can we set a time to discuss?"
- Be specific and provide data. Always provide specifics about what is positive or negative. By being vague you are being indirect. Example: "Each day this week you were 15 minutes late for your shift."
- Show the impact connected to the data. By connecting the specifics to the impact, it is helping to provide logic as to why the feedback being given is important. Example: "Because you were late to your shift each day, someone else had to stay behind to cover."
- End with a question. Feedback should never be a monologue. By ending the feedback with a question, you are creating a connection and allowing the person receiving the feedback to ask for clarification as needed. Example: "Is there anything I can do to help you?" "Do you understand the feedback I am providing?" "Is there anything preventing you from being on time that I should be aware of or can help with?"
Step four is very important in differentiating between constructive and destructive criticism because it provides the opportunity to approach the situation with empathy. Consider the differences between the following statements:
"Why are you always late?"
"I need you to be on time."
"Being on time is important, what is preventing you from being on time and how can I help."
By changing a statement to a question, and by changing how you ask a question, you are moving from destructive criticism to constructive feedback.
As an exercise in leadership, it is important to continuously provide and ask for feedback. It is never constructive to use the annual performance evaluation as the only situation in which feedback is provided.
As an exercise in emotional intelligence, it is important to keep an open mind and focus on continuous self-growth. Feedback, whether delivered constructively or destructively, should be looked upon as an opportunity to grow where possible.
